Sassiness was to me, a word that described items of clothing; ones that belonged in the ladies’ section of large department stores. Ones that were fuschia, and fringed, and didn’t quite fit the girl in the catalogue right; the kind that a mennonite girl might pair with leggings on a day that she felt extra-sexy. Recently, my personna, in a moment of articulate retribution, would be captured in that term, by yet another fratty white male. Sassy.
Let’s call him FWM. And let’s address him as a prototype.
I’m aware that you were doing me a great service; to make me aware that my contribution should be in the same class as a perky fuchsia dress. Thank you FWM; it is all courtesy to you that I will relay this message to the rest who look and act like me so that they may mark it down and try harder next time if they are to be taken seriously.
Dear Sassy black people,
I have compiled this list so that you may not overbear FWM (pl.) with your sass appeal.
1) YOUR WORKMATES MAY BREAK THIER FINGERS
In an attempt to channel you, your colleagues may hurt themselves. They will typically apply violence to their index and thumb in a snapping motion, as they extend the ‘r’ while they animatedly chant ‘girrrrrrrl’. Frequently, they might require bandages in the moments proceeding. It is common that this scene should take place in a professional environment. This display will be replicated wherever you go, to sum up your persona; whether or not you know how to snap your fingers, or have said ‘girrrrrl’ in your lifetime. And that is why it is important to limit your contributions, and to remain silent in situations where FWM might lurk. It is precautionary; to prevent him from injuring his person.
2) A WHITE GIRL WILL FOLLOW YOU AND BEFRIEND YOU
/ COAX YOU INTO BEING HER PERSONAL STYLIST
Following the ‘girrrrrrl’ routine, FWM’s girlfriend, Madison, will trick you into a shopping trip where she will refer to you as her stylist. This trip pertains to ‘sassing it up’ for a Friday birthday dinner that you may or may not be invited to. You will wish that it were the latter after she refers to you as the ‘sister she never had’, in the car as she drops you home. Later on, you might be coaxed into family get-together, spa-parties, and Mary-Kay subscriptions. As you can see, it is important to limit your ‘sass’ in your insitution, as you may be dragged into Madison’s rabbit hole. You will feel responsible when she continues to injure herself as she falls pettily in heels, and attaches to everything via the stiletto nails that you unknowingly introduced in her life.
3) YOU WILL END UP ON WORLDSTAR HIPHOP
Videos of you will show up on all kinds of social media. You will create waves every time you open your mouth to share insight. And just when you think you’ve found stability and achieved a low profile, someone will shout ‘Worldstar’. You will handle it seamlessly. Because you know how to deal with stares, and ghastly expressions. It’s part of your everyday life. Again, this is because you opened you mouth. You must learn to remain completely silent. Always. In order not to get extraordinary amounts of attention. You are an articulate black woman; this is strange.
4) YOU MAY NEVER GET MARRIED
But you are not alone. 70 percent of black women in the States are single. Because they’re all crude, ugly loud-mouths.
5) FWM WILL PUT YOU ON MUTE AND INSERT OPRAH, BEYONCE, SOULJABOY TELLEM, OBAMA, AND LEBRON
FWM has never come across anything like you. So, in attempt to process you he will map onto you, all the black people he’s seen on TV. Everything you say will unwittingly represent the views of Beyonce, Obama, Oprah and Lupita Nyong’o. Your existence will be symbolic of them, and you will be the go-to for basketball banter, hip-hop news, ebola updates, and so on and so forth. This complex cognitive process of muting and mapping that he will undergo, will not allow him the energy to listen to you. Your politics have been spoken for already. And this is what you get for being sassy.